Freshman year I entered college feeling healthy and eager for the new chapter of my life. However, I was not anticipating gaining a whopping 35 pounds! The transition from home to college cafeteria was tricky, I had the freedom to eat whatever I wanted. In comparison to living at home, I was used to exercising consistently and had a mom who ensured healthy food was prioritized in our home.
Now for me, this unintentional transformation made me look like I had gained 50 lbs. since I am Lady Gaga’s height of 5’ 2”(yes, I am proud of that height comparison). I remember coming to the reality of how much weight I had gained over the Christmas break weighing myself on my grandparents scale(see photo gallery below). Plus, my mom told me in her nicest voice that I looked pregnant, so that was a fun conversation(love you mom hah). I was in absolute shock but the emotion I had never experienced before came over me, Shame. I wanted to cry in that moment, thinking how could I have done this to myself?
I decided right there and then that I would get my control back. The problem-solving mode of needing to monitor what I was eating as well as amp up the workout schedule. The unrealistic part of me thought I could lose 35lbs easily in one month, so that by the time I got back after Christmas break, I would be happy again with my weight.
And this is where my battle of emotional/binge eating began. It took me 7 years to overcome this crazy cycle of shame.
I went to The Google to find the fastest way to weight loss. I knew that cutting my carbs, reducing sugar, DRINK LOTS OF WATER, and eat your vegetables was the new me. However, the overwhelming daily battle of Christmas break left me surrounded by the delicious homemade cookie’s neighbors would bring, as well as baking our own traditional Christmas treats. So in the moment, I let pleasure win out and I would just say tomorrow will be better. At the end of my first Christmas break, I had successfully lost 15 lbs. but was motivated to work hard on losing the rest that semester.
Tomorrow I will be better…
Fast forward through my college career, the stress of school, lack of sleep and struggle with portion control added an additional 10lbs back on. I would tell myself I needed to eat only salads, soups, no carbs, but then when I had the opportunity I would eat too much. This created a crazy mental cycle of shame. I had an all or nothing mentality and would easily give up if I felt like I failed one day.
My journey to finding JOY in eating again, I had to be gracious with myself and not let shame inform my decisions. I was more than my weight and I had to let go of the belief that my worth was dependent on my weight. I had to let go of who I was and meditated on scripture to fill my mind with truth. One of my favorites to this day is: 2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if any one is in Christ, the new creation has come: the old is gone, the new is here!
I believe God can make you a new creation, regardless of the lies you have told yourself! So let today be the day you are no longer letting SHAME impact the rhythms of your life.
I am here for you on this journey!
Sierra
Photo Gallery Below: Timeline starting from the bottom now we’re here!–
Far Bottom Right: Christmas 2014: This was the last Christmas Cookie I ate before realizing I had gained 35lbs). To the left: 2018 Graduation announcement-Red Dress, I look back and think how chunky but happy I was:) I was in love with my best friend, Wes Grim, and I knew I would be graduating from college. However, stress eating was very evident and not confident in my body.
Row of photos: Beginning from left side is end of Freshman year–I hate this photo, since I remember getting to the end of my Freshman year wanting to lose all the weight but instead was still 20lbs overweight. 2nd photo: Halloween Costume of Sophomore Year, still struggling to keep the weight off and I remember I felt overwhelmed with all the food at that Halloween Party. 3rd photo: Summer 2018 visiting a friend in Chicago, this is my summer before graduating and I struggled that summer with loneliness so I went to food for comfort. 4th photo: Me in pink Blazer with my new boyfriend(& now forever boyfriend Wes)–Despite being chunky, Wes made me feel beautiful and this is my reminder for all you women–get a man in your life who makes you feel priceless!
Current Photo Below: This journey has been long but now I feel confident in who I am.
